Good Morning Early Birds!
It’s 26th of September, 2015. I had a conversation with my mother. I feel and know that I am slowly detaching myself from my mother. She reminds me of my old self, I have overcome that. Los Angeles has become my home and I am making a life here. Having said that, I felt selfish to just not call, and live my life. But for two years now, I am trying and we always end up in an argument. She is tough. If I want to compliment her, it will be too much complimenting, she told me not to do that. And when she wants constructive feedback, she cannot handle it.
I can’t do this, I am giving up on this battle. It ALWAYS ends up in an argument, when I call. She is a good mother, but when she does thinks she automatically expects things. I always have to cry, when I call her. Her energy pulls those emotions out of me. I don’t want to deal with that anymore. It hurts. She is mean and all the things that she suffered from, she drags that energy over to me, if I ‘God forbid’ say something wrong, I’m being scrutinized.
My dad is not perfect either and he has even made mistakes which are worse. But somehow I get love. I can get love, because my dad wants to give love and has no grudge. My mom blocked it, so she cannot be nice.
But I am taking full responsibility, I am a better me, I am balanced. And I don’t want to get out of balance anymore. What my mom did, and the choices she made, I learn from it and I am not going to make those same mistakes.
The problems she had with my dad, that is between them, my relationship with my dad will not change. I am not suddenly going to ‘pick sides’. No I’m sorry.
I am balanced when I don’t talk about my feelings or career with my mom. Everything is great. And if it’s not I will fake it. That’s how I became successful in the first place and didn’t lose my mind. I don’t care anymore what you think of me, I am a valuable human being and I respect myself, I am not going to lose myself, because you have lost yourself. I take full responsibility of my own actions, I let go of that one person, a year ago, faced myself, faced loneliness and empowered myself again, It didn’t kill me, It made me stronger. Not it’s your time to do it mom. I can’t help you with that. I have my own life here, I can now only help you financially, but I cannot get rid of that feeling that your facing. That is something that you need to work on. I did that as well when you decided to not financially support me anymore, I took responsibility.
It’s Saturday, next week is my birthday. For the first time in 25 years I’ll be flying by myself, with my sister, without you or dad. You were here last time, and now this is a new chapter of my life.
I cannot change people, that is impossible, but I can change my action. I will live the best life, with or without you. I am not going to tell my struggles anymore to you, all those issue I had with you, I have to let that go. I don’t like you, you remind me of who I was, that needy person, trying to please everyone, neglecting the ones who loves you truly, NO! Absolutely not, that’s why I was running away from you all the time. And praise the lord I am here, I thank God for sending me here. I have a bigger mission in life, then going into ‘feelings’ ‘ you did this to me etc.’ it doesn’t serve anyone. Who cares, I can improve myself and have an impact on this earth, by doing the things I love.
I will definitely make my second production, absolutely I will. It is done. No matter what, it will be. All this energy, I have to put positivity in the universe. Thank you for everything. Life is good, thank you. I refuse to go after people, that is impossible. But everything else is possible. EVERYTHING ELSE IS POSSIBLE.. And I’ll go with that. So I will only call you mom about the good stuff, nothing else, Everything is well. That’s it.
Thank you for this life. Thank you, I will go on a holiday, taking time off, going to Las Vegas! Woohoo!