Kick

I am indeed lucky and privileged to follow my dream. I can go and do it. I did the kickbox cardio today. When God has cut your wings or suddenly stopped the financial comfort, it means that I have to take action and finish something.

Yes, my film is getting great response from the film industry, distribution companies. However, they don’t know how to market my film. I am pitching it to the wrong country. Again, USA will accept it fully. First I have to finish the paper work for financial funding from the Government. Then I have to send my film to the national film festivals in my country and abroad. This short film will be seen and profit will be made.

It is a new concept, but hey, of course it is a new concept, I am not going to make a film, that everyone has made. It’s new. Very new. I am there.

Success means keep going. That’s success. Start from the beginning and end it. At least end it. The one who keeps going, those are going to win. It’s not about ‘ difficulty’. It becomes easier.

The successful ones keep going, even when it becomes dull, it’s a pattern. Kick it, push it forward. PUSH

When I will meet you, I will meet God

When I reach my destiny, my goal, I get closer to myself, to God. When I will get you, I will get closer to God, I will feel enlightenment, release.

When I will meet you, I will meet God. The biggest high of life, is yet to be discovered, something bigger, something so beautiful, so define, then I can die with peace. I want to, if they can do it, why can’t I. I can do this, I truly can, God show me, help me, walk with me. I can’t do it without you God, give me powers to make this happen. Please God give me power to make this happen, to realize my dream, I want to, this is what I truly want, working like an athlete, physical release, by myself, being fit, I want to look the same after 10 years and reach the top, contribute to society magnificently.

Give me strength God to focus, give strength to have laser focus, give me strength to walk my journey. Give me strength God to do this, please God, give it to me. I want this. I have a mission to accomplish, let me do this God, help me, I want this.

Show me the way, give me powers to finish this, to reach to my goal, yes I am ready, I am truly ready, I will not fall astray, I will focus, it is done. Push me forward.

Set my soul free

It’s 3.28 am and I have to share this with you. If you look at society, who has always been focused, who has reached the top and contributed significantly to the society? Walt Disney, Steve Jobs, Warner Brothers, Cohen Brothers. Look closely, all of these are men. All of these are guys. Where are the women. There only a few. And especially in the entertainment industry, who has done quality work, who has gotten a big names, other than Oprah and Jk. who else? There is a whole list of top male directors, business tycoons, all men.

I am here on this earth, to make a change. Because I haven’t been living up to my full potential. Girls usually fall astray very easily, yes we are stronger, yet we go settle for less, because guys go 100% after they want. I look up to you guys, I want to contribute significantly and yes I want to make a difference. I want to stand above the society, above the mediocre. I want to set my soul free. I don’t want to follow the normal, conventional way of living. I want to reach high, I want to live up to my full potential.

I can marry, have kids, live a ‘normal’ life, but I am not satisfied with that. I want to dance passionately, I want to run like an athlete, I want to have laser focus. This is truly what I want. I want to make it to the list of the world’s best filmmaker, yes as a girl, my name has to be reached to that list of Walt Disney, Warner Brothers. Because if they can do it, why not me?

I love you so much God damn it, and yes I’ve got feelings too, I also want to have sex, that’s a feeling, but let me tell you something, that my friend I can do anytime and minute with anyone. It is a challenge to do it with someone I truly connect and I can only do that until I fully live up to my full potential. When life comes and the guy knocks on my door, I will embrace it, but until to that point, I embrace this time and go 100% after what is being presented to me right now. An opportunity to be the best that I can, the very best in my field. I have something to offer, something very big and I cannot let it dose off and let it die, because I am occupying myself with a guy, going after my feelings and think like the mass. The conventional way.

This is the secret and everyone who is portraying love and sex on TV, they are getting there money and spend it on luxury while the people who are watching it, is feeling the passion and is spending, consuming, for normal things, is working hard, very hard. I am happy that you can release yourself, but please don’t fall astray. Those top people are damn focused and treat themselves and give themselves the best of the best of life. While other people are sleeping, or going into this mediocre life, I am e-mailing at night to every single distribution company, I am contemplating. I won’t rest until I have it. Yes, it’s easy to have a guy, but I want to portray love, showing but not showing. At this moment, I want to make myself very desirable, want to be a business tycoon and then find my soulmate. Loving one guy, my partner, but we will meet, oh we will definitely meet. But we will meet each other at the top. I want to be the most successful girl out there and no not the conventional way of ‘make-up’ line. But with my production company, with film making. Only people like Steven Spielberg, Christopher Columbus and many other directors, male directors have successfully achieved that position. I want to be the first who makes it to the list as a female. Oh yes, if you guys can do it too, I can do it as well. And I love you guys, you’re focus is amazing. But I’m also in the business, guess what, you’ve got a little bit of competition, me ;)

I love being the best, I love it. And I won’t stop until I get it. Then my soul can be set free. Enough looking at others, checking others, trying to fit in to this society. Enough of that, I have seen a lot, Los Angeles has taught me a lot, it has showed me the reality of being a successful person, creating every day. I am back again and I won’t rest until I have it and I will also enjoy my life completely. I rather be alone, than being sick and miserable together. I embrace my journey, I accept it and I will run with it, this is what I want. I want this. I’ve just turned 26 and I am running, shifting gears, I am coming with a bang, with a big bang. Mark my words, every rejection I will turn it into acceptance, billions of people will watch my films.

I live in America and this is my home, they think the same, have the same mentality, yes think innovative. This is the 21st century, let’s make history. I love love, I will always love you, I will always love you passionately and yes I wanted to go with you and settle down with you, but it wasn’t meant to be. I would create magic in the room, I would make it our best relationship every, but I was meant to fly and make magic happen not only for you but for every single person out there on this Earth.

Everyone who is heartbroken out there, who is living their lives by themselves, ‘alone’, you are not alone. You are meant for great things, go after it, let’s make history. Let’s live this life, let’s work on ourselves and be the best. I’ve got so much fire inside of me, I haven’t lived up to my full potential yet. Let’s do this. It’s Friday, 5th of February 2016. A new day, a new beginning, let’s do this and let’s go after this.

I can see a pattern here

My sweet lovely friends,

I see a big pattern in my life. Three years ago, I wanted love, seeking love and happiness outside myself, then a guardian angel told me, to stay on course. I did, but than I got lost, I still wanted to go for something else, love and at the time, beautiful things regarding career was presented to me.

At all times, WORK WITH WHAT YOU HAVE. WHEN LIFE HAPPENS, LET IT HAPPEN AND ACCEPT. Right now, awesome opportunities are being presented to me again regarding career and again I want to go to the other direction. Open the door of the past. I can’t do that. I’m falling astray again and I simply cannot allow it. When I read the text of three years ago, I had the same feeling. The same exact feeling. There is nothing innovative going on here, I’ve always had this. But thankfully my actions are different. In three years time, I’ve accomplished a lot.

Yes, I have mood swings and I have to remind myself EVERY DAY, that life is a gift and I am blessed. I work with what I have and I have received so much from life. Life has always given me everything I wanted. I’m discovering who I am. I am on a journey of discovering who I am and actually living up to my full potential.

I get persuaded easily, fall astray, but deep inside of me I don’t want t follow the crowd, I want to make my own story. I fought for a long time to be me, to embrace myself. The fact is I love freedom. Society wants us to focus on feelings, so they have control over us. I want to give. I can’t be the one to ask to feel something, I have to give.

I just have to remind myself everyday, that I am worth it, regardless of any result, I am worth it. And I am. I have received so many beautiful gifts from God.

I will make a challenge again. It’s 4th of February, 2016. I promise myself that I will love myself unconditionally, I put God first, I’ll do my very best every day and also enjoy life as well. Balance everything. Life is balance. I love love.

Thank you God for everything, it’s never too late, let’s start all over again, let’s start now, this very moment, let’s celebrate life this very instance, I came here with a purpose, to live life fully, no one said it would be easy, but I can make it easy. Let’s work for what I want, I love you.

I’ve always been good enough, I just didn’t know it

Hi my beautiful darlings, my sweet friends,

It’s Friday 29th of February 2016. I had my french pressed coffee with kiwi and then I went hiking at Runyon Canyon. People! The weather is beautiful, inhaling fresh air, walking all the way to the top, with ease and music in my ears. Life is beautiful. Yesterday I worked, to ofcourse earn extra cash, but I’ve got such a headache. I meant to create and live life to the fullest. For the past couple of days I thought my life is boring, I found myself boring. But that’s not true. I have to remind myself that I am already good enough and I always remind myself when I hike, or exercise. I have always been good enough, I just didn’t know it yet.

I love life, I still love love and I still believe that the best is yet to come. It’s true, this is just the beginning. I’ve submitted my film to Cannes film festival, I will send it to more. I’ve send my film to a distribution channel. And almost done with my application to get funding for my film.

In my heart, I love. Love is driving me always. I love the simple things in life, cupcakes, sweets, hiking, just living life to the fullest by being present. This is what I have and I am going to work with it. I am already good as I am, I’ve become myself again, who I always used to be, loving unconditionally and enjoying my life by myself. If someone wants to join, that’s fine, but with or without, I am as I am and love who I am. It’s great being me. Because I can create magic whenever I would like to, laugh at the simplest things in life, I observe life, get easily excited and I have a drive, drive to live a great life.

Love yourself always, celebrate life with or without, it’s a journey, not a destination. I just have to remind myself, that I am the creator of my own happiness. Trust that my timing is in God’s hand and he knows what’s best for me. I trust you God, I completely trust you.

With love

Reborn again

Hi my lovely birds,

I’m reborn again. I caught a cold, felt miserable, absolutely miserable, focused too much on my sister. About her life, her wishes, what she was doing, she wanted to meet new people, guys, explore new friends. I felt lonely, I had a lot of fear…

Then I became really sick, caught a cold and missed my mom and dad a lot. I was thinking about my life, my future. Then I listened to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UXQh05-enDs

I feel reborn again, my senses are getting back, I could smell the fresh air. I finally have some rest in my head, because I am still a little bit sick. But slowly recovering. I am going to listen to my inner voice and not fight it anymore. I am looking at my gifts and path and if I feel fear, I should think about love again. Love of life, love in the moment. Nothing is for eternity, we can only do our best. I am not going to fight anymore. I know we have a free will, but I am fed up of going my way. I don’t know better. God knows better. He is the master planner. His plan is the best plan and if I want to change it, it means that I think that my plan is better for me, which clearly is not. Because it hurts, to fight against my destiny. I accept my destiny.

I am glad I became sick, the voice, the negative one, is not saying anything right now, because I am a bit numb from the cold. I am grateful for everything and I actually feel great. Happy, just because I can breath clearly and smell the fresh air. Those simple things. Whatever happens, happens for a good reason, I will go with my path, with my journey. YEahh!!!

Let’s do this, let’s have fun in life again, let’s take it moment by moment, do my best and have faith, that whatever plan God has for me, it’s the best!

Love you all, big hug

suicidal thoughts

Whole 2015 was a year of self discovery, it was the best year of my life. I let go and focused on myself. However I still was secretly holding on to love. That bubble popped.

I am being confronted with having a friend, having a boyfriend. The thing is, I don’t know if I want to invest myself again emotionally into a person. I don’t know. I always wanted a boyfriend. Always. I just turned 26. I did have someone in my life, but we weren’t compatible. I don’t want to be with a selfish person, yet I am constantly being called, self centered, selfish, shallow, I talk too much.

I don’t know how athletes do it. I do feel that I am in a work mode. I also don’t want to be travel by bus. When I was in Europe I had my own car. I am investing money into this career. Is it worth it? I am working on getting funding, asking questions how to market my film. Is this truly what I want? I am I pushing something away?

I have never liked myself. Perhaps the only time I really, truly liked myself, that was in elementary school. Then jealousy played their part, teasing, bullying etc. I hung out with wrong people, who didn’t have the best interest for me.

What’s the purpose of living? Why do I exist? What do I have, what do I own? The only thing I have is me. Is me enough? I feel stupid and I am boring. That’s what my sister is saying. No one cares if I die. I do have loving parents, they stand behind me like lions. I wanted a boyfriend so bad. I really wanted it. Once I had it, I realized that I wanted to have a career as well. And having that person in my life, I mean just that, is also boring. Now I know how to balance it.

But the fact is, I can’t lie to my brain anymore. I can’t lie to myself anymore. I have given myself an illusion for 25 years, that someday my prince will come. Being alone sucks. I do have a sister, but she doesn’t want to hang out anymore, she wants to hang out with other people. I feel collapsed. I am stupid. I have this wonderful body, I am slim, I do have a ‘nice’ face. I always get compliments about my look, yet, if I am that beautiful, why doesn’t a guy want to be with me, or perhaps they do. Why don’t I do it? What’s wrong with me.

And why for God’s sake, do I want to be independent when I am with someone. I want my own car, own house, I want to build myself, but that is such a huge challenge. It’s easy to have someone. I don’t know. I find my thoughts disgusting, I find myself disgusting. I just know that I want to build up my life, but I also want love. I don’t want to just jump, I want the real deal. Maybe I have high expectations. Now I don’t have any expectations and I want to stop with life, quit. But I also don’t dare to do that.

It’s hard, I am sorry. I know I have to push myself into loving myself. But right now, I just don’t want to. I don’t want to do anything. I should be grateful, I just want to escape. I want that constant feeling good mood, I want a constant stimulant. I don’t do drugs. Just having flings was kind of my escape. I am just escaping my emotions, I am not dealing with them. I don’t trust my journey, what is going to happen to me. I always wanted to be someone else. Always. Yet, people get ‘inspired’ by what I am doing and they copy it completely. I don’t have a boyfriend. I do have a loving mom and dad. But I also want to have fun in life. I also want to have fun in life. This is just too much, every f”cking day the same god damn routine. A guy will come into my life, and we will have some adventure. That was my dream…….

Worried

I am extremely worried. I’ve got huge anxiety. I don’t understand it.  However it always turned out fine. It did actually. It’s just a little bit scary, this silence, going into the unknown. But I know I want it. My
Second film made me realize that I have to trust my path, my journey, it worked out beautifully. Don’t push things and trust God’s vision. Don’t open the past door. I want to. Wanted to. Actually not anymore. It’s just a strange feeling. I don’t understand it. It hurts. I’m healthy, have a good life, obviously I’ve got some tasks to fulfill in life. But life is not  a straight line. Sometimes you have to stop to smell the roses. That’s my balance. Do something completely else which has nothing to do with ‘work’, my dream. Just be. I came in this world to enjoy, live. Enjoy life. I don’t want to talk about work ever. I just want to do it. I don’t want to say what I’m doing. I want to say: ‘I’m living my life, enjoying, eating cupcakes, live free, just not say a thing. I don’t have to justify myself to others. Or to myself. I can enjoy my life. Just have fun, savor each moment. Because that’s how I can fill myself as a human being. Have fun, live free.
Remember one thing: people who want it, talk about it, don’t get it. People who enjoy life, live free, do their best, just working on their dreams with a let go mentality, they don’t really care, they get it. Those people always get it.

Strange feeling

When I am entering into the unknown, I’ve got this strange feeling. Extremely strange feeling. Because there is nothing that I can fall back on. I want to run to the known, really, get that rest in my heart. It’s really scary. I find it really scary. But I only live once. So it’s better, if I take the opportunity to savor the moment. My sister is going to an audition, next to the cupcake shop.

I still have an essay to write, to get funding. I am stalling, because I’m scared to start with it. But obviously I have to do it, this is an opportunity for me to get buzz for my short film. To get acclaim for my film. But I can still enjoy life as well. I have to balance it. I can write as much as I can. I rather start and fail, than being afraid of making mistakes and not having accomplished anything.

So, I’ll balance it. I’m going to take a shower, wash my hair, freshen up, go with my sister to her audition, eat some cupcakes and come back with fresh energy and start on my essay. Let’s do this, let’s make magic happen.

Winner’s Mentality

Being ambitious is a great gift. Everybody was asking what they would do if they would win Powerball, the lottery. All of them replied they would go away, and never return, they would quit their job, travel, live somewhere else.
Very interesting.
But let me tell you something. You know what a winner, a successful, a billionaire person would say?
They would put it in their work, they would invest in their dream, in what they wanted to do.
My reaction?
I said:
I would make my own movie, cast the best and put myself in the lead, a mega movie, get a high end person from the film industry, like Steven Spielberg in the project.
Those two people were actually surprised. They didn’t even think about that. Now they were thinking.
That’s honestly what I would do and am doing. That is my purpose. Money is not a destination, not a purpose, it is just a tool to accomplish and complete my mission.

I’ve still got so much to give. Everything that has been given to me, is just a tool, but the battle has yet to be won. There are a lot of things to be accomplished. I would be the first who would put My country on the map, in regards of filmmaking. That is ambition. I still got a lot of fight in me. I might only have one match, but I can make an explosion.
Don’t forget those people, those who helped, people who don’t have the tools at the moment. Help them and I can only help them if I continue following my purpose, achieving my destiny. All those people who have accomplished their mission, they went through  challenges.  Through their songs, their match, their persistence; they gave me hope. And if I continue, I can help others, inspire others.

We can help each other. There is no other way. It is not up to me to feel. I can only give. If I chase feeling, my control is in the hand of the marketing division, they sure know how to get me feel.

Yesterday I was cold, that job, those people, they were kind but I’ve reached the maximum of what I can learn over there. I want to go to the next level. But It’s about taking responsibility, and taking back my power, my belief. I don’t care if no one believes, I still got a lot of fight left in me. This is just the beginning. I have to hit harder, I might only have one match, but I can make an explosion. My powers are turned on. It’s done, it’s time.

I can’t think mediocre and just escape. I have to take the tools and run with it. Letting go of this feeling, that’s society, wanting me to consume only and feel. Which is fine, but it’s not a destination, it’s a tool.

I’m doing this for my nation, my country, this film is dedicated to my home, Europe, this is not for ME, this is for US.