I made a mistake

I made a huge mistake today and I should repent. I made a horrible mistake, I want to punish myself. I mean, the mistake was that I tried to help someone, but I became upset and frustrated, as opposed to what I did 4 years ago. 4 years ago, that moment when a girl at a desk was about to deny our stay, which I reserved, I knew that I had to stay kind and give empathy to that girl. I had to do it that way, I had to put my ego down and try to understand her. I should have done that. I don’t know, but I kind of lost that. And started to become frustrated and saying people are wrong.

People make mistakes, a lot of people don’t want to work and puts the blame on others, or don’t do their work properly. So they become frustrated. I don’t like it when employees give attitude, this year I tried to accept that, lose the battle and win the war. But today I flipped again. It started in the morning, frustrated about the fact that if my sister didn’t have a receipt, she would have been accused of something she didn’t do. It’s wrong and bad. But the message didn’t come across, because I started to become frustrated and became a bit angry.

I lost my focus and started to change people’s work ethic. I can’t. I have to let go. Who am I to fire someone? Who am I to put focus on that. I didn’t even do my own job properly today. What’s the matter with me. I’m a terrible person and I really have to learn to be a good human being. Right now I just want to go down hills and go all the way and punish myself. I don’t deserve better. Oef…Where are my priorities in life? Seriously, this is too much, focusing on these little things. It’s horrible and outrageous of me. Let people do what they want to do, I just have to give feedback in a polite matter, but I rather lose the battle and win the war. I lose my patience way too fast. What’s the matter with me? I got everything I ever wanted, this is horrible. I’m so bad :(

Lazy day

Good morning my butterflies,

I had a nice, comfortable lazy day yesterday. It was super windy and cold, thus I decided to take a break and not do a thing. Just lying on my sofa, eating a doughnut, chocolate cookies and watch TV shows ‘grandfathered’, ‘my crazy ex-girlfriend’ and a cozy Dutch program.

I’m grateful I could take a day off, I needed it. It just puts everything into perspective and now I can work again. Doing nothing once a week, is great, just relaxing.

I do feel that I want to travel, I really want to visit Amsterdam. Or go out of the city and relax. I know this is the final straw. I know that I have to ……

[a few hours later] This is just a feeling and it’s okay. But I’m not living my life to just pay rent. Feel the fear and do it anyway. Whatever, I feel horrible so what. It really doesn’t matter, it’s okay. I just have to do it. If I don’t, I’ll be wasting my time and energy.

How gratitude changed my life

Hi sweethearts,

I’m learning a lot and I see now how I am acquiring more knowledge and skills. I am grateful for what I have. Initially things were thrown at me easily, things fell easily in my lap, but because I didn’t understand the concept of life, I thought: ‘oh well, I’ve got this but I want that’. I lived my life like that for years. Not being grateful for what I have in the moment, always chasing things that I didn’t have. This year, for the very first time, I accept life as it is.

I’m grateful for the little things in life, those are the things that make me. Those small things, walking in nature, baking chocolate brownies with my sister, those are the things. The rest is my work. But those ‘small’ things feed me in such a large way. I’m so grateful for this life, for this moment. I love luxury, ofcourse I love it. But I love it, if I can share it, when I’m with my family, that’s where my joy comes from.

Gratitude at all times, that’s why I’m where I am. Thank you.

There is so much more

Hi dear, hope you are doing well. U know me and sister were thinking about you. I completely understand you. There is so much more in this life. I’m grateful that I’m here, but I’m also grateful for the fact that I had a life without the glamour and just being. Cycling in Amsterdam, smell the fresh leaves, the air. You know at the time when I was in Amsterdam, I looked at magazines, I thought that was the life. If I’ll be on the ‘cover’ or if I’m an ‘actress’ in hollywood I’ll be happy and walk and talk confidently. I was so naif at the time. Now I realize I am shaped as a human being because of those normal things. I would be nothing if it wasn’t for those experiences.

It was hard to let go of Amsterdam. I lived there for 22 years. Now that I look back I see how much I had. I can’t have those moments back, it’s gone, life evolved.

I had an audition today where I had to dance. I did it, exercised before hand, danced, I did it with confidence but it was all over the place. Too much, too big, really bad. I was harsh on myself, called my dad and complained how bad I was. And I should have done it ‘this’ way etc. My dad said: ‘Take it easy, don’t beat yourself up, you didn’t kill someone. You’ll get it next time. It’s all about patience. And if you don’t it, this wasn’t in your destiny and you’ll get the next one. It’s all timing’. I realized something. Something that I forgot. It’s all about character building. My happiness, my state of being is not dependent on a yes or no from the outside force. I dance because I want to, I have something to give, good or bad, as long as I keep giving it’s fine.

I’ve always been very result oriented. And I discovered a pattern here. This is the same thing I did in Amsterdam. Going for the result, I have to have it. Why in the world am I conditioning myself. Since when is that the road to happiness. What is meant for me, is meant for me, period. It’s timing. I can’t have everything all at once and at least I have my parents. The love and support of my parents. That is everything, everything, everything.

I do my best and that’s it. That’s enough! I’m a wonderful and kind human being, the fact that I wake up every day and try to make the most out of this life is already an achievement. The fact that I am getting an opportunit everyday is an achievement. I am living, breathing, doing my best, following my intuition and my destiny, that is an achievement. I still have it all. Family love, nice apartment, friends, career, living in LA, traveling, doing what I love, making brownies with my sister, watching movies, hiking, swimming.

How my dream became reality in 2 years

Two years ago I was looking for a dp (director of photography), went to a hallmark commercial, worked as an extra for free. I wanted to be a producer, because I realized that I didn’t want to wait for people to notice me, I have to put myself out there. That was the initial step towards my career. I followed my intuition, I didn’t fight it. So at the time, I wanted to be a producer, produce my own things, have money to pay my crew, write checks, stay humble and having my own company. At the hallmark commercial I saw a girl, she was the producer, her nails was perfectly and beautifully done. I asked her: “Where did you get the time to do your nails”. She said: ‘I don’t, I just made time for it and came a little late.’ I was smiling and admiring the producer’s role. Some guy was sitting in front of me and actually introduced me to the producer. The guy turned out to be one of the crew people, he was a dp. I expressed my concern of not finding a dp. I had one day left, to get it. He said at: ‘Just when you about to give up, that’s when you get it. Keep going’. He also gave me a hub, where to find a dp. Of course, I didn’t give up, because I wanted it too bad. And two days later, I got the dp ;) It was the best one.

It was a road of challenges, ups and downs, but two years later, on Sunday, it all became reality. All of it is happening. Writing the checks to my crew, from the commercials I booked, investing in my own projects and starting my own production company. I am a producer now, casting myself, my friends and my sister. It’s all about persistence and basic probability. Just keep going and one day I will have it.

I am doing my best and being grateful for this gift. Yesterday a friend asked me: ‘Are you still going to try to get a theatrical agent/manager?’. I said: ‘No, I did, they rejected, that’s why I am producing my own projects.’ ;) And you know what, there are signs that this is my path. The result is much bigger, I have won an award for best message of the short film and three film festival selections. Now I’m working on my second short film. At the end of the day, I want to make movies, and be part of a project that matters to me. All the others are just tools, to invest in my own projects.

So how did my dream became reality? I kept going, kept working, and most importantly I invested in myself. I didn’t wait around, I made it happen. I created it. I took charge of my own destiny. I became the master of my own destiny, at least getting close to it.

Love you all.


This weekend was our first official shooting, more days to go. But I do have to say that I miss my crew. They truly cared and were dedicated to their work and took us seriously. No matter what our gender is, or how young/old we are, it’s about sincerity. This is what I want in life.

Regardless of any result, good or bad, I truly appreciate these people. They put their time and energy in it. Even though I paid, I’m learning to stay humble at all times, not be demanding.

I miss them, it was a beautiful experience. Not there yet, but getting close.

Love you all.

I still love you

I want to call you up right now and say I love you, I want you to come here and we live happily ever after here in Los Angeles. but I think you’re going ignore me and I can’t stand it, I want to hug you physically. But if I could say this to you and you would listen, I would say:
I still love you my jaan, no matter what the distance, I’ve realized after 4 years and not talking to you for a year, I couldn’t forget you, I couldn’t let you go. These feelings come and go, I don’t know maybe it’s just a moment, I want you by my side, hug me, kiss me, be with me forever. I’m living my dream, but I don’t have you.
Couldn’t you wait for me? You married someone else, only to find out that you also wanted to be with me. There were other ways my jaan. Is it too late? Is our love lost? Our love was real, pure, if you waited for me…. But how could you, you thought I would come back, but I didn’t mere yaar. Main kya karoon, this is my destiny, I made a choice and I have to commit to it. :( because this dream, it’s an opportunity of a life time and somehow you didn’t express that you would be there for me. Or would you?

Can you just come here and we will fall asleep together, soul to soul, sleep in your arms, hold me tight and I’ll be straight in heaven. That’s it the end. Your my destination, I love you, mere jaan, mere yaar. Hamesha, don’t let me go, let us feel each other, our breath, our body, I love you. Don’t let me go, please, I want to be your girlfriend, your wife only. I only had one love, one real boyfriend so far and that was you. Your love is the best, I like you, I really like you. If I could do it over again, I would have acted differently, perhaps just being friends only, at least I would have you right now :( now I love you too much and my heart aches that…. Do you want to be with me? See me?

Staying humble at all cost

Hi my sweet chocolates,

It is Saturday, 31st of October. 1.5 week ago, I found a DP who owns a great camera. Everything was set, we just had to narrow down the locations, find a sound and lighting person within a week. Me and my sister actually managed to do it all within a week. After receiving horrible comments at Facebook, I got a little bit ego and almost started to brag to a fellow actor, who is in our project. Just before I came to the words of “we found the best one”, I stopped and said: ‘ We’ll see, I hope it will be successful, but we’ll see’. I’m happy I became suddenly humble, because a few days later, the DP wasn’t available anymore and assumed that the shooting was postponed. Short story, we were obliged to find another DP, we were not going to shoot with that particular ‘great’ camera, of which I was about to brag about.

No matter what, I always have to remain humble, things can fall apart, whether I’m a good or bad person, whatever I say, it can fall apart. Since I stayed humble though, I just went along with time, and looked for another one. Yes, the other seemed perfect, but further down the line, holes became more evident. I fall, I stand up, I succeed and fall again, it’s just part of it, the only thing constant here is me. It’s about problem solving and removing the ego. I still enjoy my life and try to keep a balance between private life and work. Yes, I am living the dream, but now it has become my work and it’s normal thing to do, but I don’t let it take over my whole life. I just have to do basic problem solving and letting go. I lose here and there and win as well.

No matter what, with or without, I am still a valuable human being. I am grateful that I got the opportunity to actually pursue my dream, to live it, do what I love. I thank my parents, God, my sister and myself for allowing me to do this. I am grateful to God that he pushed me into this direction even though I never believed in myself.

My goal of loving myself, is becoming a reality, slowly but surely. I’m hungry, I’m going to eat a nice sandwich, which I bought at Mendocino Farms. Love you all and ohh, Happy Delicious Halloween’s day!


Hi sweat hearts,

It’s 12.29am, I had a lot of coffee :) This was french pressed. It was really nice. Delicious and it makes my skin smooth. I want to get to the scenes, I have to practice, I will. It’s all going to be okay and fine. It’s windy. Oehhh, anyway I am learning a lot. I went to the Grove today with my sister, it was nice. I liked it.

It’s all good. Doing my best and we’ll see what will happen. Just taking the steps. :)

Goodnight my sweet hearts. Looking forward to sweet dreams. ;)

Facing obstacles

Sweet hearts,

I can’t fight time and I know that. I also know that things that we planned out, doesn’t necessarily turn out the way I want. I was a major challenge in year 2014, didn’t think I could survive. but I got through. Now with this film, just when I think I have it under control, things turns upside down. Do I have a choice? What can I do? I really don’t know and thank God I went to dance class today at 8pm. Bollywood dancing for an hour. I wasn’t perfect, but I kept going and it was fun. I didn’t think about anything else other than dancing.

It’s about problem solving, but in reality that can be tough. I know that companies lose millions, billions, I understand that and I am learning. But I feel very small now, like an ant. I feel like if someone else does it, it’s a hit and people cheer, but when I do this, I get so much criticism, so many obstacles, it’s no easy ride.

I am very grateful that I got so far. I am very grateful that I can do this and actually realize my dream. But putting it all into actions, facing obstacles, harsh rejections, no sympathy, door slams in my face, moody people hanging up on me, that is no pick-nick.  For a year I did audience work, just clapping, since I didn’t get any bookings, not using my brains. I know I had to go through that, for my personal growth as a human being, to be humble and grateful for what I have now and I certainly don’t want to give this all up, to just go back and clap again.

I want to tell you, yes, I will fight, but I seriously don’t want to fight and fighting with time is a waste. I don’t know, I don’t know what my next step will be. I loved dancing that was a great hour.