Do I exist?

Do you hear me? Do you feel me? Do you see me? Do I exist? Do I matter?

Really, do I even matter? I cut my hair today, wanted to record an episode of my journey. But what was my intention. What is my intention for the world? What do I want? For whom am I dressing up, cutting my hair?

For the world or for myself? What happened to dress up for myself?

I want acknowledgment, put it on instagram, facebook, show the world how beautiful I am, how much I have achieved things. Get compliments, approval, praise for who I am. I feel like I’m fading away and nobody even cares. That’s how I feel.

I feel worthless, as if I cannot even accomplish one simple thing. I am an actress and filmmaker. And I want to contribute to the society. Do I still want that? Or do I just want to become rich? A consumer, just follow the trend like a baffoon. Because everyone else is doing it, so should I.

I miss you. You were part of my existence. I miss your kiss. I miss your hug. By kissing or hugging you I felt I exist. You were the only one. But unfortunately you weren’t really nice to me:( So I had to let you go. I trust God, but I cannot hug him right now. Cry on his shoulder. My parents are in Europe. Do I exist?

It’s challenging to live without you, it’s also easy. I miss love. I cannot live without. I do love my life. But if everybody is showing how great they are, and what they are achieving, why can’t I do the same? I’ve traveled the world, I am smart, I’m beautiful, why in the world can I not say it. Why not god damn it. If everyone can do it and say how great they are, why can’t I do it?

I have achieved so many things. So many. And it feels so wrong to do the same. But it’s not… I don’t know. Sometimes I have the urge to live somewhere where no one knows me, start a new life, but I can start over again.

I have to say goodbye to facebook and instagram once and for all. I have achieved everything without it. So let me start over again. I am starting over again. I am. I am.

I love you a lot. I hope you love me too.

This is the life!

Good Evening my minions,

This is the life, this is exactly what I what I wanted in life. If I persevere, life will unfold itself in beautiful ways. In the morning I went to farmer’s market and after that I went swimming. While I was at the pool this is what I was thinking:

‘I am now relaxing at the swimming pool and we got ice cream lolli pops as a gift, mmm frozen banana dipped in chocolate, delicious! When I focus on my life only, I am very happy and content. It doesn’t matter what position everybody is, I know what I am doing. I’m glad I’m me, this life suits me, this is what I wanted. Let others be, may they be blessed. I trust, I have trust in God that everything will work out and is working out. I trust, I have rest in my body. It’s okay, if others are first, eventually the last one will be the first ;)  Always is, always will be!

It’s basic probability, my chances are getting higher. It’s the worth the wait, since the result will be magnificent. If I want it know, the result will be small, if I wait, it can be bigger. Patience is a virtue.’

I deserve rest and relaxation. All is well. Everything will fall into place.

Have a great evening, rest well, make it count, love you!

God bless.

Cheer Up

Good Evening my cheerful cupcakes,

Just be glad you’re you

That’s what God has been telling me. I woke up, did my yoga exercise and reality hit me. Suddenly I felt a huge anxiety, so insecure, didn’t want to deal anymore with this insecure life, living day by day, will I make it or not, I felt so lost, I really wanted to give up on life.

I checked my e-mail, try to fix everything, I couldn’t resolve it, I felt distraught, inadequate, screaming for attention, love, acknowledgement.

I asked God: Give me one good reason why I should keep going, why I should live, I’m not powerful to make something happen.

These thoughts were in my head and I was frustrated, reacted on my sister, I wanted to throw everything away and end my life. I thought when will everything work out. Wanted to go to my old habits, call that person up. However while this was going in my head, I had to go to work. There were people who were beautiful from the inside, they were happy, celebrating life. There energy made me smile, laugh, it cheered me up.

After that we went to an event, which was also for work, it was a sweet party, at W Hollywood hotel. I didn’t know that it was a charity event, it was absolutely beautiful. The charity event was held to raise money for a social cause, to give a smile to hospitalized children. The event it self had delicious sweets, cupcakes and they screened the movie ‘Willie Wonka’, it was beautiful under the starts. The song ‘Cheer up Charlie’ came up, beautiful, I felt loved. Loved by people, loved by God.

Cheer up and just be glad I am me. Love you xxx

Yes, I have to be glad I am me. There is something, which I cannot see, but wow, once you see it, I was blown away by the beauty.

count your blessings

Wow, when I have patience, accept my faith, beautiful things start to flourish. It really does.

I’ve been watching Joel Osteen a lot this week. It’s beautiful and puts trust in me. I do feel at peace. I have this beautiful jewel apartment for a month and the decision of getting this apartment for a long period of time, will be up to God.

But I will cherish this and enjoy my moments with the gifts of God. I’ve uploaded my shortfilm on Youtube today, and marketing will start soon.

This day is beautiful and I can see my blessings. I’ve got beautiful gifts from God. Very precious.

I’ll take each day as it comes. I have to go to an event at 10.30pm, I’ll come back at 1am. Exciting.

Have a beautiful evening, spend time with family because that’s what all matters. Love and family.

Love you all.

Why am I holding on to something that is not mine?

I am holding on to something, someone which were not mine in the first place. Nothing in this world is mine, nobody is my property.

I get things and lose things, those final decisions are not in my hand. So why am I so attached?

I was thinking about the past, making the past better, since I feel I’ve gained nothing. I was so much in my head, thinking about my past and future, I dropped all of my rice. It fell on the floor, all of it with splash of water. I was about to put it in the rice cooker and it fell.

Second day again I was thinking about the future and the past, how am I going to do everything, will I make it. And a camera hit my head. I could have gotten a concussion, but by the grace of God it was nothing severe.

God is trying to tell me something. WHY AM I WORRYING IF I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHETHER I WILL BE ALIVE OR NOT. THAT IS EVEN UNCERTAIN, SO WHY AM I ASKING FOR CERTAINTY. NOTHING IN THIS LIFE IS CERTAIN AND IT DEFINITELY DOESN’T GO THE WAY I PLAN IT.

I trust you God, whatever you have in store for me I accept. You know best, you see everything, the unknown. Guide me and I walk your path.

Fight for what I want

Good Morning,

I woke up at 8.30am, I did my ususal/basic morning exercise, looked outside and felt the love.

I know that with anything in life, I have to fight for what I want. I always did that and now I have to do it again, until my last breath.

Because by not trying I will definitely not get it.

It’s challenging, because all the things that I loved, were shown to me, I could taste it and then it went away. Yes, now looking back, maybe it was for the best, well I know for sure, I am much better, stronger. Even though I don’t feel it, but my actions show that I have grown.

God give me the strength to find a solution, fight for my rights and give me the strength to accept the result.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win-Mahatma Gandhi

In that spirit I go and fight for my rights.

Love you all

Create the life I want

Good Evening,

It’s 11.21pm, about to go to bed. I saved $60 for farmer’s market, which I will go to tomorrow, Sunday. Finally found food that is good for my skin and my skin doesn’t break out. I will buy lots of food, eggs, avocado’s. Mmm

I’ve been on Facebook and what’s app a lot, checked out a lot of people, what they’re doing. I was bored from watching, didn’t feel nice. I have to make this commitment that today was the last day that I checked, I can check next month, but for now I want to focus on my life and my journey.

I’ve got a beautiful apartment right now, you never know what happens, so I want to indulge in this moment. So important. I want to create a beautiful life and be grateful for my life, which I am now.

By watching others, I’m forgetting my own life, I’m forgetting me. I need to give myself more attention, healthy attention. Dance, take care of myself, do what I want to do, what’s important. It’s 11th of July, it was the last day that I checked my social media. I mean otherwise my life is fading away. Just because I can financially breathe now, which FYI wasn’t the case 4 months ago, doesn’t mean that I can know just check other people and neglect myself.

I am a valuable human being. And I already have a lot of things I want in life. But let me create more of the good stuff. ;)

Focus on health, making myself beautiful, sleep well, early to bed, early to rise. It really is not about gaining followers and being popular, it’s about inspiring on a day to day basis, but it should flow naturally, organically.

Life is so beautiful, so delicate. I had everything but I had nothing. Now I have nothing, but I’ve got everything.

I’ve gained so much knowledge, impeccable amount of knowledge about myself and about life.

I’m in love with you, always, now and forever.

Appreciation

Hi My shining stars,

Life is interesting isn’t it. I love love, because I see the beauty of life, I am more appreciative towards life. That quality is again recreated. I’m in love with life. Because I love to follow the path of God. It gives me tremendous amount of trust and faith. I’m more balanced now.

I know what to focus on, what to work on, train my body, my skills and live my life. Simple.

I appreciate my past, it has shaped me. I appreciate it a lot and I’m grateful that I can call this my life.

I will and am doing all those things, if I would be in love. Nice morning walk, face mask, taking care of myself.

It’s a ptocess, a constant one, but that’s okay. Because what I can say for sure is:

Whatever is in my destiny, is in my destiny, that is mine and a gift from God. I can only follow his path and it will lead where I truly belong.

Love you all

Push

Today I lay in bed and was ‘indulging’ in the past. Very bad, because when I say: ‘Those were the good times, I want to be with that person’ by saying this, I am rejecting the present and the past is my present and will be my future.

NO! I cannot let that happen. I have a beautiful life, maybe not the way I want to, but perhaps this is better for me. I pushed myself out of bed and I push myself to energize myself and do what I need to do. I push myself to take actions.

Simple actions, doing the groceries and putting on make-up before I go to work. Simple. Just keep it simple.

Life is good with or without. And of course I’ve got my days where I don’t feel like doing nothing. But I am pushing myself to make something out of my life. Yes, everybody is great on facebook. But I don’t want to give myself that illusion that the grass is greener elsewhere. It’s not. We’re all different and same simultaneously.

Today, I would like to set my intention in loving and appreciating myself. I am a worthy human being. Let’s enjoy this day.

Big hug

With love

Warmth

I just love this new apartment. This new environment. It radiates love, warmth and affection. We’ll see what God has in plan. But at the moment, this very instant, I am indulging. I mean I love this.

Every time when I have to go home, I look forward to it. It really feels like home. This is my home. My lovely warm home.

I love you a lot and I am blessed.

I work for it, do my best and let it go. This new environment is a blessing. I don’t know what will happen tomorrow and what God has in plan for me. But really for now I can say that I love you a lot, my new home.

I love it. I can only do my best, that’s it. I love it.

It is as if I’m being hugged by a warm person, by my parents. So much love, thank you.

I love you, I love you, I love you